


blurry faces and flipped lines to make warped memories

by pilotwashere



Series: fuzzy memories and forgotten words [1]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Bad Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Exiled TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Ghost Wilbur Soot, Good Older Sibling Wilbur Soot, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Manipulation, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parent Jschlatt (Video Blogging RPF), Parent Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Physical Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, TommyInnit Angst (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit-centric (Video Blogging RPF), Villain Clay | Dream (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot and Technoblade and TommyInnit are Siblings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-17 09:01:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28722531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pilotwashere/pseuds/pilotwashere
Summary: Memories are a finicky thing.  All Tommy's ever known is fuzzy thoughts of people and things and events that come and go as time goes on.  Lessons and words and books forgotten by wandering eyes and thoughts to an escapism of a world that is too far but yet too close at the same time.  There's few constants in his life, like his older brother Wilbur and his best friend Tubbo.  Constants that he loses and gains and then loses again, and maybe he doesn't need them anymore because he's got himself and that's all that matters. (...right?)A look into the thoughts and memories of my DSMP AU's Tommy.  (Check the tags, people!!  some chapters will get pretty heavy in the future.  More of a oneshot book than an actual story, but it does depict plot points and story ideals of my AU.  More tags will be added in the future as the fic goes on.  Sorry if anything is off or looks odd, i'm not used to ao3's formatting.)
Relationships: Clay | Dream & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Ranboo & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, TommyInnit & Phil Watson (Video Blogging RPF), Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit
Series: fuzzy memories and forgotten words [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105625
Comments: 4
Kudos: 70





	1. Outline

**Author's Note:**

> Outline for this fic! not apart of the story/book but the next chapter and so on will be.

Hey there! Name's Pilot.  
  
I'm the author of this fic, and founder of this AU, called Memory Book AU. Except the name is deceiving because Tommy doesn't keep memory books and the only one who does that is Ranboo.  
  
  
  
Things to be aware of getting into the story:  
  
\- Heavy topics, like suicide idealization, abuse, manipulation, self-harm/mention of self-harm/implications of self-harm, ect.  
\- I will be getting into how c!phil is Not a good father in canon, and how he is worse in Memory Book.  
\- This isn't canon at all! Please take whatever i may write with a grain a salt, as this is an alternate universe and many things from the canon SMP will be altered.  
\- Memory Book is a Tommy-centric AU, however it may (in the future) have bits and pieces where other characters get their time to shine (like Ranboo or Bad)  
\- There will be no shipping included in this series! Joke relationships and funny bits of stuff like the El Rapids trio or DNF will be, as said, nothing more than jokes.  
\- Dark themes will be touched upon later in the series, like torture and other things similar. Dream's kind of a dick.  
\- This is all roleplay! Memory Book is an AU of a minecraft roleplay series on twitch and youtube called Dream SMP, created by Dream. All characters are not actual projections of the real people roleplaying, just like how it's all fake!  
  
  
Things that may happen at one point or another in the series:  
  
\- Ghostinnit  
\- Alivebur Resurrection/Ghostbur Regains His Memories  
\- Niki adopts Tommy  
\- other things to be planned  
  
  
And with that, enjoy the book!


	2. family is important (i wish i could remember mine)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dead beat fathers and absentee brothers is all tommy's ever known. it's only inevitable he'd forget them. but maybe with his big brother around, it'd be okay, wouldn't it? (it wouldn't. nothing has changed and nothing ever will change.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (TW: Child neglect, Emotional Abuse (Unintentional, Phil to Wilbur and Tommy), References to psychological abuse (Dream & Tommy), Implications of physical abuse (Dream & Tommy), Implications of manipulation (emotional and psychological)
> 
> (Stay safe, guys!)

Childhood memories are vague, and few and far in between. There's not many Tommy has, especially when it comes down to his middle brother and their father. (is he really his father, though?)

Counting them on good days, gives him the total amount of about... 4-5, he'd say. On a bad day, he'd say none. Far too absent in his life for him to remember anything more, but also too crucial for him to remember anything less. It's confusing, and it makes his head hurt when he tries to make sense of it. All he really knows in the end is that his father was apparently incapable of taking care of Tommy and his eldest brother, leaving him in the hands of Big Brother Wilby. Sometimes, he wonders what it would have been like if Phil had actually raised him like he was supposed to. Maybe he wouldn't have been such a fucking mistake. (It's not Wilby's fault though.)

The earliest one he can remember is the time Phil came home, and gifted him an emerald that the man dubbed the "friendship emerald" (because apparently, kinship is too good for something as ugly as their relation). He left not even a day later, off to do something with Technoblade that he's sure Phil told him about, but he can't quite remember. (That's okay, he doesn't remember much anyways.) Thinking about it hurts his head, so Tommy doesn't think about that memory. (The emerald still sits at the bottom of his scratched and roughed up ender chest back at the flower field house, dusty and untouched for ages. Just like the house itself.)

The latest, in "childhood" terms of course, would be his 7th birthday. Phil was home for a few hours to wish him a happy birthday and say he was "proud of his little boy", gave him a little trinket that he had no idea how to use, and then left again with Technoblade. (It's always about Technoblade, never him or Wilbur.)

He's not sure when memories started to fade and people started to blur. Maybe it was his 3rd birthday, the time when Phil started leaving (at least, that's what Wilbur said. He doesn't quite remember those days.) Or maybe, it was more recently, with Dream in his head and his mind and when does he ever leave because nothing is not green or covering in smiles anymore. Does he want Dream to leave? No, because Dream's his friend, isn't he? (dream has never been his friend, not before the wars, not during, not after, and certainly not now.)

He's not sure anymore. He's never sure anymore, but that's okay. Because he has Wilbur, doesn't he? (wilbur's dead. ghostbur is all he has left and the shade of his brother is hardly anything at all.)

Wilbur used to be his caretaker, when Phil wasn't home. (he was never home.) He used to sing songs to him, Tommy thinks. There was this one he loved the most, Jubilee Line perhaps. It reminds him of what's happening now, sitting atop his small dirt tower. Dream never liked it when he made the really tall ones. (he misses the tall ones. he misses the wind blowing through his hair, the feeling of flying as he falls.) Maybe Dream will be happy with him if he knows he didn't make any armor this time. He likes it when Dream is happy. (dream doesn't hurt him if he's happy.)

He misses Wilbur. (wilbur didn't yell or hit him if he did something wrong. not unless it was really bad (like in pogtopia)

Wilbur reminded him of Technoblade sometimes, with his very small tusks, that are hidden in his mouth. Or his eyes, that turn red when he's really angry. (they were always red in the ravine.)  
  
Who.... who was Technoblade again? (sometimes he wonders if this "technoblade" guy was ever even real.)  
  
Oh, that's right. Technoblade spent time with Phil. He's Phil's friend. (why does he favor his friend over his children?) Technoblade is Phil's friend, so he has to be real. He has to remember next time. (dream doesn't like it when he forgets. the headaches dream gives him only make it worse, though.)  
  
He misses his family. (who were they again?)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for just disappearing off the face of the earth after posting the outline, i have a hard time sitting down for a while and focusing on writing. i love writing, i do, it's just hard for me to put what im thinking into words (which is a pain in the ass when im planning out large shit). anyways, sorry if anything is misspelled or formatted incorrectly, im not used to ao3 and i have trouble remembering how to spell words sometimes.


	3. friends are good (then why do they hurt?)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy is a people person, as far as he remembers. He thrives off the interacts he has with others and the way they smile when he makes them laugh or says something funny. He used to know a lot of people, but now they're blurry and their voices are distorted, and he can't seem to remember who the person Tubbo is, if they're even a person. The only mention of them is the words "Your Tubbo", which are engraved into the glowing compass he woke up with one morning and had forgotten why he had it and how he got it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Fighting, Mentions of Manipulation, Referenced/Implied Abuse

Tommy’s always had people around him (did he?). Be it his best friend, his older brother, his friends, his enemies, or just acquaintances, there’s always people around or near him. He’s always interacted with them (though it’s hard to remember names. he knew a fox at some point. he doesnt know why he can’t remember), and they’ve interacted with him.   
  
He’s not sure why it’s so different now.   
  
He doesn’t remember what happened exactly, only muffled words and blurry people, words that used to haunt him now reduced to jumbles of sounds that sound like gibberish to his deteriorating ears (too many times has he stood far too close to an explosion seems to be coming back to bite him in the ass, it seems). He knows that people were mad, but about what?  
  
All he can smell is ash and gunpowder now.   
  
He's not sure when they started drifting away, when he slowly began to lose sense of who was who and how to identify them. Sometimes he'd forget people entirely, forget that they exist, not just their features or names. Maybe it started with Jack, who didn't show up much anymore after the original creation of L'manburg (back when it wasn't a huge crater). Maybe it started with Niki, who slowly began to pull away after the 16th. (tommy doesn't blame her.)  
  
It hurts.  
  
It hurts, a lot, knowing that he should know these people, the blurry colors and shapes that take up his eye sight when he leaves the safe confines of his home, but at the same time never remembering them. It hurts them too, he thinks. Maybe it doesn't. Maybe they don't care. (he wouldn't be surprised, in a way.)  
  
Everything is loud.  
  
It's loud when the thunder of the storms ring after lightning strikes, and it's definitely loud when the rain pours down from the clouds above as someone yells at him. He doesn't remember the entirety of the interaction, just that he must've done something wrong because someone was yelling at him and next thing he knew he was in a boat with a green man and the ghost. (why cant he remember his own brother?)  
  
Everything is also scarily silent at the same time.  
  
Here, on this island, he is alone. The only ones who accompany him are the ghost, the green man, and occasionally the tall hybrid with mismatched eyes. (there were three more, once. a lady, a sister, and a mexican green man. they're gone now, though he doesn't remember why.) More often than not it's just him there, with the only things to fill the silence being his own thoughts and the ringing of his ears.  
  
Is a friend supposed to hurt?  
  
Tommy knows that he has bad memory, that he wakes up some days and can't even remember what his own name is. But even then, he's not sure if his own friend is supposed to hurt him. Green man (dream, his mind provides on good days.) is supposed to be his friend, right? That's what he says, at least. Vaguely, he remembers sometime from a long time ago. ("now toms, if your friend is ever hurting you, in any way, shape, or form, you tell me, okay? friends don't hurt each other.") But he only has green man now, so he must be right. He's the only friend he has left. (so then why does it hurt?)


End file.
